


My Beloved Son

by StFrancisdeSales



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Catholicism, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Diary/Journal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Physical Abuse, Prayer, Pre-Canon, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 09:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9715262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StFrancisdeSales/pseuds/StFrancisdeSales
Summary: Pages from Doug Rattman's mother's diary, giving insight into his life before Aperture.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was in no way meant to attack any religion. I know people of all faiths and spiritual beliefs (or lack of belief) are capable of compassion and cruelty, because we are all human.

_Sunday, April 4th_

_Today is a blessed day! My second child, my son, has been born and he is as pink as a flower. Dr Devonshire tells me he is healthy. Every night I pray to my Lord, giving thanks for this miracle, that out of this barren womb, a son has sprung forth._

_My husband has been to visit me and his joy is dampened by our son's small size. Almost half the weight of our daughter at birth, he fears the baby will grow up sickly._

_Oh beloved and exalted Father, hear a mother's loving prayer. Defend my child from his mother's fate. Let him grow up strong and happy. Amen._

_The lovely young nurse who helps me by day brought a vase of blue hyacinths to brighten my room. I asked if they could be placed by my son but this is forbidden._

_My son. How strange that feels to write. Here where God alone can see, I will admit my hopes for my son. A new life, so full of hope for tomorrow. I pray he will walk a path of health and happiness into the future. Into the next century._

_The sights my children will see will be beyond my simple imaginings. In my lifetime, a man on the moon. In theirs, mankind to the moon._

_Go to the moon, my son. Go beyond the moon. The heavens are yours to take._

_And no matter how high you go, your humble mother will always love you._

 

_Wednesday, April 18th_

_Another week at home and my bed is as strange to me as ever. My body refuses to feel comfortable as I toss and turn, night and day._

_My limbs ache to rise, to walk to my son's room and hold him in my arms. But the nurse tells me to lie still. So I lay awake at night, listening to his pitiful wails. My whole being cries out to go to him, to lift him into my embrace and nurse him on the milk that stains my nightgown. But the nurse says I am too weak and my weakness could be passed to him._

_Heavenly Father, please protect my son from his mother's foolish weakness. Please give me the strength to help him grow up strong, despite my own selfish wishes. Amen._

_Every few days my husband carries our son in to visit me and oh, the joy I feel then is beyond expression! His eyes are the brilliant blue of all babies. His dark hair is beginning to grow in, so like his father's._

_Perhaps the shock of becoming a first-time mother clouds my memory but I do not recall feeling this longing for my daughter when she was born. I do not recollect her first days with such fondness._

_She was always being passed around. Grandmothers, aunts, uncles, friends. I remember how she laughed and tugged her grandfather's mustache._

_This love I have for my son cannot be a sin. When I look in those enormous blue eyes, I feel as though all my troubles were flown away._

 

_Saturday, June 27th_

_My dear sister brought my nieces to visit us today. My daughter was delighted to see her playmates and immediately began a game with her oldest cousin. But my son only stared at them, watching his family from the doorway. I called to him to come greet our guests but he seemed not to hear me. I made an excuse to my sister for his odd behavior._

_I apologized to her and tried to draw her attention away from him but she questioned me._

_I have to admit to myself now that our boy is not at all as we would wish him to be. Only three years old, but at that age his sister was beginning sentences. It is a chore to drag even one word out of this silent, secretive child._

_I will sometimes find him shutting a closet, just as I approach. When I investigate, I find some small trinket hidden under folded clothes._

_Even when he was a baby I remember being shocked by his silence. Rarely after his third month of life did I hear him cry. When I went to his crib I could not often get his eyes to focus on me._

_He walked only haltingly at a year and a half and even now will wait to be carried most places. My husband tells me this is not acceptable. I must teach him to stand on his own two feet. But how to get him to the table to eat? He is already smaller than the other children his age. What if he simply ignores my calls? Do I allow him to go hungry?_

_Loving and beloved Lord, teach me to care for my son so we may grow together in Your favor. Show me the path You have planned for my strange son. If it is Your divine will, grant him some joy among his solemn days. Amen._

 

_Sunday, September 9th_

_Oh how I dread tomorrow. My daughter cannot stop talking about how excited she is to be entering her second week of the new school year. But my son... Not everyone would, but I can see his dread. Through his silences and blank stares I see him remembering the bruises he tried so hard to hide, the long days that leave him exhausted, the teachers who either ignore or abuse him._

_I worry about his school career practically as well. If his grades do not pick up this year I fear they will hold him back a year, separating him even further from his sister._

_His teacher called us for a meeting before the summer holidays to tell us our son had wet his pants in class. He had made him stand in front of his class and publicly display his lack of control. My husband heartily approved of this punishment._

_I did my best to hide my grief for the humiliation my sensitive boy must have suffered. My husband is firm about showing our son how his various weaknesses hurt the family. He never spoke a word of this incident to us and he must have gone through his entire day in wet clothing. Surely he must have been terribly uncomfortable?_

_Beloved Father, show me the way to lead my son through this shadow and out into the light of the life I want for him. Teach me that strength in the face of his weakness and fear will prevail and correct his strange ways. Amen._

_I wish I knew what we did with our daughter that made her happy and normal. Her grades are quite high and her teachers tell me she is popular with the children in her classes._

_Is this a sign my son is not favored by God as my daughter so obviously is? Is my husband right that the church will drive this strange weaknesses from him? I pray my Lord will show me the truth._

 

_Sunday, December 10th_

_My son did well in today's service. Our priest, Father Thomas, spoke with us after his sermon to tell us he is pleased with our son's performance of the altar boy duties, but also to warn us._

_My husband first suggested an altar boy position for our young son a few years ago. He thought the influence of Father Thomas would help put an end to the strange behavior that has only worsened as my son gets older._

_Father Thomas tells us that greater strength and more drastic measures are required. He has told us..._

_I almost cannot write the words that made me feel faint when I first heard them._

_He has told us that we must punish my darling son's body to save his immortal soul. That his aberrant behaviour is a punishment from God and further tolerance of it would be a sin. He recommends, in addition to his strong hand within the church, we show an equally strong hand at home._

_I am to take up a wooden spoon and lay violent hands on my son's fragile body, to save his immortal soul._

_My husband has assured Father Thomas that our son has been beaten in school regularly by two of his teachers. When I heard that the room began to spin. My husband quickly took us home to care for me and I pretended to him that my body was causing problems when in reality is was nothing less than my heart breaking._

_My son sat in the car in his robes, honouring God, his face its usual blank mask, his immortal soul all unknowingly in terrible peril._

_Dear Heavenly Father. Please show me that my son's secretive, strange, detached behaviour is a sin that I have a duty to purge. Remind me that if I fail in my motherly responsibility my son will never rest in Your eternal embrace, but will suffer for eternity._

 

_Wednesday, October 4th_

_Another month of school has gone by and my son still struggles to please us with his grades. I see him physically cringe as he offers my husband his report card to read. After dinner I hear the yelps and whimpers as my husband punishes him with his belt._

_I almost think that he gets punished enough when he is at school. He has detention two nights a week for his terrible science marks and he has no friends that I know of._

_But then I remember that only strength and firm discipline will help him. My father spoke with me on this subject last Sunday, at church. He reminded me that this strangeness on my son's part must cease before he graduates high school._

_But how can I reach this silent, weak-minded boy?_

_Someone his age usually has friends around. He does not. They usually have teams and groups they join. My son remains alone._

_And girls. He has his father's handsome, angular face, even if he lacks his strong chin. Surely he must have caught someone's eye? But he never mentions anyone, despite pressure from his father._

_My husband confided in me late one night that he fears our son may not only be abnormal, but... Criminally ignorant of women._

_Oh bringer of life and of death. If this is a punishment on me then know I am truly cowed and will take any action that suits Your Divine plan. Only hear an agonized mother's prayer._

_Please help my son overcome his shyness and slowness. Help him to live in the world as an adult. Please, any punishment he deserves, I take on myself._

_Amen._

 

_Thursday, January 16th_

_I received a letter from my son today. Only two weeks into the new year, his university grades are already poor._

_He tells me (in an obviously shaking hand) that the teachers constantly watch him. He worries most of them wish he would just give up and leave. He goes on at length blaming himself cruelly for his failing grades._

_I wish I knew what to tell him. I fear to show this most recent letter to my husband. I know that his anger and frustration will know no bounds._

_Our son goes on to tell me his classmates are also trying to harm him. He claims they move his things and try to steal his notes._

_His letters used to be so short. When he first went to college, his brief missives made my heart ache with longing to see him. Now he rambles, his words are so jumbled. He does not sound like himself at all._

_And his letters, the paper itself, is completely covered in grime. Grease, soup, tomato sauce. It is as if he leaves his papers under his dishes when he eats._

_It makes me wonder if part of his problem with grades is that his assignments are filthy when he hands them in._

_And now, the hardest part for me to write. I do not know how I can pour this onto the page. The newest thing my dear, beloved son has confided to me that has broken my heart._

_He hears voices._

_Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen._

_I have failed._

 

_Friday, February 1st_

_He has been hired! I have prayed so long for this and now it has finally happened._

_Despite his barely passing college grades, a prominent laboratory has hired my son to do some computer work. I hope he will be happy there. He will not be able to contact us for some time._

_The happiness I feel at his success is bitter-sweet. Now I know he will do well, but I am losing my only son._

_We know now what his strange behaviour meant. He has Paranoid Schizophrenia. Not a sin, or a punishment, but an illness of the mind. He has pills that make him almost normal. The voices quieten and he looks me in the eyes at long last._

_As sweet as this knowledge is, I now know that all those beatings, all those hurtful words were useless, unnecessary. I wish with all my heart we had known sooner. Been able to offer the right help. But all in vain. The past has left scars I can never heal._

_Now to the future! He is safe, healthy, and he has a job. What more can a mother ask for her child?_

_Oh my son. My beloved, cruelly wronged boy. Please leave me knowing the love I feel for you every day. Remember the good times. Please try to understand..._

_Although you will return from your far away lab, I fear I will not see you again. My fragile body has finally begun to weaken. The doctors cannot tell me how long I have, but I know in my heart that I will be with my Lord before long._

_I pray each night to Saint Dymphna. May she guide my strange son, protecting him from pain. I will hold this medal to my heart. In her honour and my Lord God, my soul will cry each day for his deliverance._

_Goodbye, Douglas_

_My eternal love, your mother_


End file.
